iMeant It
by xxjourney
Summary: Three years since their kiss, Freddie and Sam finally admit their feelings. But was it all just a mistake? *Completed.
1. Mistake are Made

She ran in the freezing cold rain, screaming his name. She sat on the broken sidewalk, pounding her fists on the cement. The storm couldn't compete with her tears. She remembered what he looked like when she told him those three little words, those stupid words she should've never said. She just ran, she didn't know what else to do.

Now she's here in the middle of a storm, sobbing her broken heart out. She heard him calling her, but figured it was all in her head. But then he held her, held her in his strong arms, and she cried harder. He tried to soothe her, and her tears ceased. He look in her eyes and repeated what she'd told him, those three words she never thought she'd hear.

And there they sat, arms around one another, not caring that the storm was still raging, but glad to know they had each other.

**

Sam.

"Sam," he told me, "maybe we should get out of the rain and talk." I wiped my eyes with my soaking wet sleeve, nodding. He helped me up and into a small pizza shop. I felt like a little kid, but I was glad he was the one taking care of me. He sat me at a table and went to the front counter to order a few slices. I sat, shuddering, dripping with rain and tears; I'd never thought that I could cry that hard.

He came back with a coat he'd borrowed from the manager. I smiled as he wrapped it around my shoulders, not caring who saw me so elated. We'd tried to keep it a secret for so long, so long. It didn't work out three years ago when we were kids. He'd moved on, but I could never forget him. I ended up falling for him in my quiet secret world, the world that absolutely no one was allowed in. But he was always there.

I looked at him. "Freddie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that." Suddenly I felt like crying again. He shook his head. "Don't talk like that. I didn't mind at all." He smiled that smile, the same one that had invaded my dreams for so many years. The waiter came by with our pizza; one meat lovers and a cheese. I reached out for a slice of meat lovers, I was starving. I remembered that I hadn't eaten since that morning.

We sat there, Sam and Freddie, eating our pizza, in silence, until another wave of emotions crossed over me as I realized who I was sitting with. I sniffed, and Freddie moved closer to me. "Don't cry," he told me in a soft voice. "I can't stand to see you cry, I never could." _God, I'm so stupid and weak, I thought I got it all out earlier._ "I'm sorry," I repeated. "I guess it's just -- PMS. I've been so emotional lately." Freddie nodded, putting an arm around my shoulder. My spine tingled as he looked into my eyes in the dim lighting of the restaurant. "It's okay. Really. I've been feeling weird lately, too."

I shook my head. "You're a guy though. You have no excuse for being fruity!" He laughed. "Same old Sam. I guess you're feeling better now?" I nodded, smiling. He always had a way to make me feel so glad to be alive. We finished our dinner, talking about all kinds of things -- the weather, homework, iCarly -- but avoided the reason I was crying, until I faced him in the weak light. I might as well say it all now. "Freddie," I said, taking a deep breath, "I really do love you. I meant it." I couldn't manage the rest of my speech, the tears took over until I was sobbing. He took me in a bear hug, calming me down. "I know you did, Sam. I've known you long enough to tell when you were lying and telling the truth. I know you did, Sam," he repeated.

My sobs slowed down as he rocked me in his arms. Again I felt childish, like someone who couldn't control her emotions at all, like I needed a babysitter to make sure I didn't stay up past my bedtime. He lifted my chin and again looked me in the eyes. "I meant it too. I've never told anyone how I loved you so much." This time his eyes filled. He looked away, ashamed. "You're right," he said, chuckling, "I am fruity." I rested my head on his chest. I felt so safe, so warm, so _human_, whenever he was near. And now here we were, in a booth in the corner of a pizza shop, listening to soft local bands that sounded so far away, in each other's arms. Then I remembered.

"What about Carly?" Carly. My best friend. She'd never known about Freddie and me, I never wanted her to know. Years ago, Freddie and I agreed to never tell her we had shared our first kiss. It was that kiss that I played over and over in my head for three years, every night. Freddie had "loved" her ever since she and her brother, Spencer, moved into the apartment across from his. She had never returned his feelings up until November. Now they were dating.

Freddie looked solemn. "You're right, I completely forgot." His arms loosened around me, and I sat up. "I can't just break up with her, can I?" I shook my head. They'd been going steady for a couple of months now. I was happy whenever either of them were happy, but I couldn't sneak around with my best friend's guy, no matter how strong my feelings for him were.

I bit my bottom lip. "Do you _want_ to break up with her?" He looked completely confused, and he set his head on the table with a thud. "Shit. Sam, you always make things so complicated. I don't know what I want anymore." I looked around the pizza shop. The band was playing a fast song, and my heart matched the rhythm. I was going to have to decide something. "But do you love Carly?" I didn't care if he did or not, just as long as he still loved me, and we could still be close friends. He lifted his head from the table and looked at me. "I thought I did. But," he sighed, "maybe it's just a crush." I shook my head at him. "But, Freddie, if you just had a crush, would you still be going out with her?"

Again, head on the table. _Sam, you always make things so complicated. _I exhaled. "Look, Freddie, I want you to do whatever you feel is right. I'll stand by your decision, no matter what it is." A knot formed in my stomach. "If you want to stay with Carly, that's okay. If you want to, ah, you know--" I paused, looking at his head, still on the table. I didn't finish my sentence. _Who would've ever thought I'd feel like this with him? _"Fred, look at me. I'm really being serious right now." He lifted his head, and I took his hand. "I'll still love you. Even if it's just as a friend." He sniffed. He must've been crying, he had to've been. This time I held him. This was a hard thing for him to figure out. "Just remember that I'm always here if you ever want to talk."

He let out a deep breath. "I know Sam, but I guess I'll just--I'll just try to figure this out." I nodded. "I'm sorry," I said for the third time, "I don't want you to feel like I gave you any ultimatums. This is all my fault. I never should've said anything to you." _"I love you Freddie. I love you." Then running. Stupid things, stupid me. I always fuck up something good._

Freddie sat up, not saying anything. We sat there in silence. Finally I said quietly to him, "I guess I should go." I could probably walk home, the rain had stopped. And I needed to think about this just as much as he did. He still sat there, in a daydream state. I kissed his cheek. "Goodbye, Freddie."

**

Mistakes are made, things are undone. Please remember the truth.


	2. Worry Not

**Chapter Two** - Worry Not.

That night he sat in bed, putting the songs that reminded him of her on repeat. He kept out anyone that tried to invade his room, keeping his daydreams to himself. He cried for her. He longed for someone he just couldn't have. She was a virus in the computer of his mind, eating up everything valuable and taking over.

**

Freddie.

_Goodbye, Freddie._ Angry, confused tears stung my eyes. I'd never felt like this before. Carly never even did this to me. She was "the perfect girlfriend." She always made sure I was happy, keeping my head straight; she was always someone I could talk to about anything. Isn't that what I wanted? I thought I'd loved her, but now I was so confused. I'm only seventeen, why should I be thinking about something like this? I had college next year, USC, all the way in California. But I couldn't leave Sam behind.

My phone rang, waking me from my silent rant. I looked at the caller I.D. A picture of a girl, dark hair and soft fair skin. Red lips and smiling eyes. I pressed the "answer" button.

"Hey, Carly." I felt like I was cheating on her, just thinking about another girl, especially her best friend; but I needed to act like everything was fine. "Hey Freddie! I just wanted to call to say good night. I'm so beat from iCarly today." Carly had such an upbeat tone in her voice it made me wish she was sad too.

She was hard to hate, so I never did. I drew a heart on my wall with my free hand; my mom hated when I drew on the walls, but I didn't care anymore. "Oh, okay. You want me to come over and talk?" I drew an 'x' over the heart. Carly and I always talked before we went to sleep, usually over the phone, but I needed some face time. I could tell my voice didn't have the usual cheer it always did when we spoke. "Sure, why not. Spencer's in the shower and I'm up in my room, so you can just come up."

I walked to the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the sparkling mirror. _I miss the lips that made me fly_, the song sang from my room. My eyes were red rimmed and puffy. I looked away and turned off the light. "Actually," I said into the phone, "never mind. I'm not feeling very good right now. I've kind of had a bad day, and I think I should just get some sleep." Not a lie at all. She sounded a little shocked in her reply. "Uh, okay, sure. You want to come over tomorrow to hang out then? Sam'll be here, too."

I agreed, hiding my excitement. "Do you--do you want to talk about it or anything?" she asked me. "No, I'm fine. Just tired, is all." Carly always understood. "Alright then, Freddie. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."

For once the words caught in my throat. I couldn't say it back. _Sam, you always make things so complicated._ "Yeah, you--you too." I managed, then hung up. I felt awful for doing this to Carly, and even worse for Sam. She'd been through so much in the past year. She really just needed a friend to run to. I was glad she was going over to Carly's the next day; I had a chance to see her, and she had a chance to relax with her best friend.

I decided to take a shower, letting the water run over my soul and wash me out. I tried to gain some sanity, to figure out what the hell I was going to do. Sam was my first real kiss, and I knew we'd both felt something that night. But Carly--she'd known me for so long, and I couldn't just give up on her. She was so much more sensitive than Sam, and I was scared that breaking it off would hurt her more than I ever intended to. _I don't know what I want anymore._

I lay in bed, music still on. Walk on Water or Drown by Mayday Parade--one of Sam's favorites, and now I knew why. _I fell into pieces, and she fell into me. _I looked over at the clock. 12:30 AM, it read. I wondered if Sam was awake. I was craving the sound of her voice. I sat up and finally realized what I was doing. Carly was my best friend, my _girlfriend_, but I never felt sure if she really loved me, if every time she kissed me she meant it. There was always something doubting in the back of my head, even though I knew Carly didn't throw around things like that.

And then there was Sam. She had changed so much in my eyes. She went from violent and boyish to--well, someone I grew to love dearly as a friend. Yet now I knew it was more than just friendship. That spark had always been there after we'd kissed that night three years ago, even though it wasn't supposed to be. I never, ever wanted to lose our friendship. Never.

I knew what was wrong. I was in love with Sam, but I just loved Carly. _Just_ loved, a huge difference. What a fucked up way to live.

I stood up and paced my bedroom, letting the music wash over me like when I was showering. I needed convincing. I needed someone to help me. I'd never really been particularly religious, although I still had the some of the same beliefs as my mother, a Catholic. I knew I was cheating on Carly, and I needed help. I prayed that night, the first time in years.

_Please help me to decide. Please help me to figure all this out. I need You now. I know You can help me. I'm just a man. I know nothing. I need Your help._

I fell asleep feeling better, hands still clasped, music drowning my dreams. Worrisome tears staining the pillowcase.

**

To know when you need help is to understand the problem. Release yourself to me and worry not.

-----

Author's Note: **I forgot to put an A/N in my last chapter, so I'll put it here. **

**This whole story started out as a poem, but I felt it couldn't just stay that; it spoke to me. So, I decided on iMeant It.**

**Voila.**

**There's a different POV each chapter, switching between Carly, Sam, and Freddie. The first paragraph is always the author's (my) POV. Just thought I'd mention it, so no one gets confused or anything while reading. :D**

**Heads up: the first three to four chapters will be mildly uneventful, because I'm introducing the relationships between each of the characters. Carly, Sam, and Freddie are all seventeen and seniors, and Spencer is thirty, still an artist. Takes place in January, hence the excessive rain. It's heavily influenced by music, but none of the top 40 of today, to keep it somewhat "timeless." Plus I don't listen to it.**

**I know it probably seems like a soap opera, but hold on, it's not a love triangle.**

**How does **_**Carly**_** really feel about Freddie? Did she agree to date him out of pity? Does she love him?**

**We'll see. Only I know. (:**

**Review, please!**

Post Script: The song quote "I miss the lips that made me fly," is from Mayday Parade's song "Miserable at Best." I feel like their CD "Lessons in Romantics" describes the relationship between Freddie and Sam well. If you have something playing in your head while reading this, let me know!


	3. Why?

**Chapter Three** - Why?

DISCLAIMER: iCarly's not mine. Unfortunately for me. ):

She fell asleep after a while that night, wondering what was wrong with him. He was her best friend and her boyfriend, but, for some reason, something was wrong. Did she do something? Say something? The problems and questions haunting her made it difficult to fall asleep. She wanted a life with great people, but she had no idea what could've been bothering him. Why didn't he say "I love you"?

**

Carly.

I woke up excited, anxious for my best friends to come over later that afternoon. I'd always be excited to have friends over; it never grew old over the years. I walked down the stairs to find Spencer asleep in front of the TV, cartoons playing quietly. _Just tired, is all._ I knew I was going to be bugged by this all day, even though it probably wasn't a very big deal.

I poked Spencer's stomach. He snored loudly and rolled over onto his side. "Speeenceerr..." I whispered like a ghost. His mouth twitched. "Speeeenceerr...I am going to steal the chocolate chip paaancaaakes!" Spencer sat up, eyes still closed. "No...b--back, evil pancake ghost," he mumbled. I stifled a giggle. I love my brother, and messing with him is a blast. Spencer pointed a finger at nothing. "If you steal any pan--pancakes, I'll call the Breakfast Police..." He plopped back down on the couch, snoring.

I rolled her eyes and smiled. I knew he had a long night last night. He had to construct an entire sculpture made of only car parts before noon. But I really needed to talk to him. So, I shook the couch. As best I could anyway; Spencer's heavy. Spencer bolted up, yelling, "Earthquake! Carly, earthquake! Get under a table! Get--" Then he saw me standing there, laughing at his crazy antics. "Oh," he said to me, "and I suppose you were the pancake ghost too, right?" I nodded and sat on the couch, still laughing. "God, you should've, (hahaha) seen your (hahaha) face!" I wiped a tear from her eye. "'Earthquake, earthquake!" I imitated, waving my hands in the air and collapsing into a fit of hilarity. "Spencer, I'm so glad you're my brother!"

Spencer made a face, but he gest a kick out of my pranks just as much as I did. He waited for me to calm down, then sat beside me on the couch. "Alright, alright, have we made enough fun of Spence-y now?" I smiled, red in the face. "We'll never make enough fun of Spence-y," I told him.

Spencer knows me. I always let him sleep, especially when he had to stay up late to finish a project, but I needed someone to talk to, and he knew something was on my mind. He laced his fingers together behind his head and leaned back, resting his feet on the coffee table. "So what's up, Carly girl?" I imitated the way he sat, but my legs didn't reach nearly as far as my brother's did on the table. "I don't know. I think something's eating at Freddie. He seemed kind of funny last night when I was talking to him on the phone." Spencer looked at the ceiling. "Funny you say? I thought his jokes always seemed...a bit short to me," he said. I poked his arm. "Not funny 'haha', Spence. Like there was something wrong." Spencer looked at me, and I could tell he saw that there was something genuinely bothering me. "How do you mean?" He had been a teenage boy once, and he was always a good person to turn to when I had boy problems. Spencer always had a great way of explaining things.

"Like--I invited him over last night so we could talk, and he was all for it; but then all of a sudden he just changed his mind. I thought it was so weird," I said to him. "Well, I see the problem," Spencer said after figuring out what to say. "He has too much on his plate. Maybe it's college or family stuff stressing him."

I shook my head and furrowed my brows. _Just tired, is all._ "No, if it was, he would've talked to me about it. He would've said that there was a problem with something in his school or home life." I paused, trying to remember the night before. "He came over yesterday, remember? For iCarly." Spencer nodded. The three of us--Sam, Freddie, and myself--have been doing a webshow in my apartment for almost four years. I continued, "He left, and then Sam left, so I was all alone upstairs cleaning up the studio. Then I saw Sam running outside into the rain from the window, and she just kept...running." My eyes squinted, thinking. She never ran. Exercise wasn't really Sam's thing. "Maybe--maybe the problem's not with Freddie. Maybe it's with Sam." I looked at Spencer, who was staring at the ceiling again, taking in my words. "Maybe Freddie said or did something that made Sam upset," I said to him. "And he was regretting it?" Spencer offered. "Yeah," I agreed. "It's best that I don't interfere, right? I mean, they should just fix this on their own, right?" Spencer rolled his eyes. "You better not do a thing. Obviously if this is a problem Freddie and Sam need to figure out by themselves. Don't do _anything_," he ordered. "Yes, _dad_," I mocked. Spencer is my legal guardian, since my mom died and my dad's in the Navy. "Hey," Spencer said, standing, "you're not eighteen yet, I'm still in charge!" I threw a pillow at him as he walked into the kitchen. But I agreed with him. "Keep an eye on them when they come over, would ya? I want to make sure there isn't some kind of weird--tension that keeps them all quiet," I asked Spencer. "You got it." He saluted. "Now, for breakfast. Would you care for any chocolate chip pancakes?" I matched his salute. "Yes, sir!"

**

Would you, could you, try to cheer me? Would you, could you, tell me why?

Author's Note:  Carly's pretty bothered by this, too, mostly because she doesn't know what's going on. Will she find out? Will something happen between Sam and Freddie at her house?

Only I know.

**Reviews make me very happy. (:**


	4. Forget the Now

**Chapter Four** - Forget the Now.

DISCLAIMER: No part of iCarly is in my posession. Dang it.

Author's Note: I see that people have been subscribing to my story (yay!), but I'd like it if you also just left a quick review, even if it's couple of words.

She fell asleep. She dreamed sweet dreams, dreams he was in. In those dreams, they were together. Nobody was in their way, they could finally feel free. She awoke, sad it was just a dream, but glad a new day had begun. She will keep their conversations close to her broken, bruised heart.

She sat up from bed and stretched, turning on the radio, dancing and singing along to the songs she knew so very well. She opened a window and stared out at the rain, and stopped singing, mid-chorus.

And there she stood, smiling to herself as she let the cool wind blow at her messy hair.

**

Sam.

His name still rang in my head. I felt so stupid. I never wanted anything to spoil the great friendship we had built over the years. But I had to go and open my big mouth. Ruin everything. I thought about the night before. I went into his apartment so we could talk, just to talk. We were talking about how iCarly went. He rolled his eyes at me when I threw his sandwich on the floor. "Why do you do that stuff, Sam?" he asked me while he picked up the pieces of food from the floor. Then all of a sudden my brain stopped working and my emotions took over. I looked into his eyes and told him. _"I love you Freddie. I love you." _The look he gave me -- I don't know if he was shocked or disgusted or what. But whatever was behind that look made me run, run as fast as I possibly could. I didn't care that it was pouring rain outside. I needed to go.

Then in the restaurant. We were so close. Then I had to bring up Carly, spoil it for the both of us. I loved Carly, but how I wished, oh, how I wished, that she wasn't dating Freddie. It killed me.

Yet, there was still something inside me that was glad I'd been a nub and spilled my guts. I no longer had that hanging over my head. And he'd said it back; a definate plus. I was just going to have to let it go. I was going to have a great time at Carly's, spending the night and eating all her food. It was much better than hanging out here, my mom hungover and mumbling meaningless words as she slept on the couch.

I pulled out a bag from under my bed, big enough for clothes and a toothbrush. I stuck a CD into the player, singing along to the band. _Don't know how long I can hold you so strong. _Don't Jump by Tokio Hotel. It always made me feel dramatic, like I was some beautiful actress in a movie, doomed to suicide. I stuffed a couple shirts and shorts into the bag, brushed my teeth and then tossed the toothbrush in. I picked up my phone to call Carly. My fingers knew the numbers, the paint rubbing off them since I'd called her so many times before.

"Hello?" Carly sounded strange. "Hey, Carls. It's Sam. I'm on my way to your house," I told her, grabbing my mom's car keys from the counter in the kitchen. "Oh, good. Your mom doesn't care if you take the car?" She was always so worrisome, but for all the right reasons. I started the engine in the driveway, looking over my shoulder to make sure no little kids were behind the dinged up metal block on wheels. "Pff. No. She's so passed out on the couch I could land an airplane on the lawn and she wouldn't hear a thing. Plus it's better she takes a cab if she goes partying tonight." Carly laughed. "Well, I needed to talk to you. I talked to Freddie last night, and he seemed a little out of it." Sam's stomach sank, but she kept her cool. "He's always out of it. I've never seen that kid with a brain for as long as I've known him." I found a candy in the cupholder, opening it at a red light. _Breakfast of champions. Mmm._

"Yes, Sam, I know. Anyway, do you know why he was being so weird?" My mind spun, worried that Freddie had broken our promise. "Wh-why? Did he say something?" I studdered. I considered rustling the candy's wrapper around the phone's microphone, but thought better of it. I'd tried that too many times already. _So this was why Carly sounded different. She's worried about Freddie. _"No, I just thought maybe he had said something to you, I guess." I calmed down and made a left. "Nah, didn't say anything. Probably just scared of something," I said. "Hey bastard, don't you see there isn't any fucking room on this lane?" I yelled at a driver. _Road rage_. "Uh, Sam?" Carly said. "Calm down. You can't crash your mom's car anymore or it'll all be gone." I was still seething. The guy clearly had no eyes. "Okay. Fine. Whatever." I sighed, trying to let it go, then said after a while, "I'm already on your street, so I'll talk to you when I get there, 'kay?" Carly agreed. "You can just take the elevator up," she said. We said our goodbyes, and a moment later I pulled up in front of Bushwell Plaza, Carly's apartment building. I ignored Lewbert the evil doorman, who hissed at me for steeping foot in "his" lobby.

The "up" button glowed in the elevator, waiting for me to press it. I did. I have a way with pushing people's buttons. The elevator music played softly, a cover of "Don't Worry, Be Happy." _How appropriate._

Then, ding! I was in the Shay's living room, already on my way to the kitchen to gobble up any leftovers from breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes, I noticed. _Well, at least it'll just be me and Carly tonight. _I looked around the room, then stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed who was in the living room.

On the couch was Freddie, feet propped up on the coffee table. I felt a little nervous, unsure of what to do or say. So I just stood there, stupidly. He had his earbuds in, listening to music, eyes closed. He didn't even notice I was there. The song he was humming seemed familiar. Finally it came to me. Lonely Day by System of a Down. _Such a lonely day, and it's mine. The most loneliest day of my life. And if you go, I want to go with you. And if you die, I want to die with you..._ Why would he be listening to that? I looked at him, and he did look a little sad. All of a sudden, he started whispering. "Ugh. I can't do anything. I'm so trapped." His words trailed away. I just stared at him, still unsure. Then he said my name. "Sam."

I wanted to have a teeny bit of fun. I set the plate of pancakes down softly on the coffee table and walked over to him without saying a word. He said my name again. I pulled out one of his earbuds. "Yes, Freddie?" I said into his ear. His eyes opened wide and he turned around to look at me. I'd never seen someone turn so pale. "Sam!" he said, shocked. I just stared at him, smiling. "That's my name." He studdered. "What--how--when---what were you doing here? How much did you hear?" I sat on the couch beside him, picking up my pancakes. I'd never felt so amused in my life, but I couldn't let him know that. "Hmm..." I said between bites, "once you started saying you couldn't do anything."

Freddie's skin went from being ghastly white to bright red. I smiled at him, and his color returned. "Fredweird, you're one crazy son of a bitch." He laughed. "Same to you, Sam." We looked at each other, him embarrassed and me trying to hide everything, even though he already knew. Again, my emotions took over, and I had an unshakeable feeling to kiss him. I gulped. _Stay strong, Puckett. Nothing can happen._ It took all I had, but I managed to control myself.

I cleared my throat. "Where's Carly?" I asked, breaking our eye contact to look at the staircase. "She, uh, went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed." He stood up and went to the kitchen, picking up a water bottle from the fridge. I still sat on the couch, eating my pancakes. Again, that silence. That silence between us that was strangling the air from my lungs. I knew I wasn't making anything any easier for him. He already had to figure out his feelings with Carly, along with all that college prep. _Sam, you always make things so complicated._ I didn't mean to, I didn't even mean to tell him anything. It was my secret. Just like when we'd tried to secretly date when we were kids. It didn't work out very well and the both of us decided to just stay friends, to make things easier. But ever since the night we kissed, I started seeing him differently. I wasn't supposed to feel anything; we just did it to say we had already had our first kisses. Then all of a sudden I started noticing his features, like his dark eyes and soft hair--and night after night I thought about that particular night three years ago. I tried to forget the tingle in my spine as his lips touched mine, how right it felt. I moved on, but I moved on to find the wrong guys. One raped me, another tried to abuse me--before I even turned sixteen. And each time, Freddie was there to talk to me, to tell me those guys were complete losers. I seemed to trust him more with these things that Carly, strange as it is. He applauded when I broke up with the both of them, mourned when I cried because of how much they hurt me.

Now here I am, realizing that I trusted him because I truly loved him. I had denied it for so long, but then I had to open my mouth and destroy my little world where we were best friends and shared everything. But he said it back. _I meant it too._ I really didn't want him to be lying. I couldn't stand being hurt again and losing such a great friend. This was probably one of the most awkward times of my entire fucking life.

I stuck my dirty plate into the kitchen sink, already full of Carly's and Spencer's dishes. Freddie was watching me, I could feel his eyes in the back of my head. I turned around and saw him sitting at the kitchen table, tracing the pattern of the tablecloth with his finger, trying to look distracted. But I knew._ God, he's driving me insane. Maybe I shouldn't have come. _I sat at the table and tried to stir up some small talk, I couldn't stand this silence. It worked. We were talking about last week's murderous history test in Mr. Bomgaurd's class when Carly bounced down the stairs. She looked happy to see us. "So everything's okay with you two?" Carly asked, standing behind Freddie and putting her arms around his shoulders. I nodded, and Freddie looked up at her. "Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" I couldn't look at the two of them. For the first time in my life, I felt--jealous. Carly didn't know how lucky she really was.

"Oh, just...never mind." Carly smiled, sitting on the empty chair at the table. _Did she see something last night?_ "I always want to make sure my best friends are cheery." I laughed, telling her, "You're a cheeseball, Carly." She replied, all bubbly, "Yes, a cheeseball that you love." Carly's always got a way to make me laugh, and her great mood brings my spirits up. I rolled my eyes at her, "We'll see. Anyway, can I go dump my crap in your room?" She nodded, and I headed up the stairs.

**

Discover what you knew all along. Forget the now and go ahead to the future.

Author's Note:  Hmm...whatever could happen next? The suspense if killing you, right? (;

**Reviews, pretty pretty please!**


	5. On My Mind

**Chapter Five** - On My Mind.

DISCLAIMER: iCarly doesn't belong to me. And I don't have enough money to buy it.

Author's Note:  New format. I figured I'd put up a new chapter, just because. :D This is one of my favorites.

xxx

He sat on the floor between the two, a paper spread out before them. Pens scattered the floor. The blonde had fallen asleep, even though music played loudly from the stereo. He looked over at her, her cheek resting on her palm as she lay on the floor. He couldn't help but smile as she did so in her sleep. It was four forty five in the afternoon.

**

Freddie.

We had been playing a picture game like little kids. One person started drawing, and the other two had to guess what it was before the picture was finished. It was Carly's idea, and neither me nor Sam disagreed. It was a lot of fun, surprisingly, even though Sam drew a ham at least three times. Sam had fallen asleep on the floor while Carly and I continued with the game. I looked over at Sam and she seemed so peaceful in her slumber, not a line of worry on her face. Carly poked her to see if she was actually sleeping and not pretending just so she could stop drawing. Sam didn't stir. Carly shrugged.

"I guess she's just really sleepy," she said. I nodded. "Guess so." If she'd been thinking as much as I had last night, I couldn't blame her. Carly looked at me.

"Could you take her upstairs? She can sleep in my bed."

"Uh, sure," I said.

I gingerly picked Sam from the floor and made my way to the elevator. Carly pressed the button on the elevator for me, and the doors lifted open. I walked in with Sam in my arms, Carly mouthing, "Thanks." The doors closed. Sam's head rested against my right forearm, her knees bent over my left elbow. I smiled at her, looking so sweet as she dreamed. The look on her face reminded me of a little girl, completely innocent and carefree; but that was quite opposite of who Sam was during her waking hours. The doors opened, and Sam stirred, leaning her head on my chest. I held her closer, so she wouldn't fall as I made my way to Carly's bedroom.

I laid Sam onto the soft bed, taking off her shoes and jacket. I don't know why she was even still wearing them. I tossed the shoes on the floor and hung her jacket on a hook behind the door. I covered Sam with a blanket, carefully putting her head on a down pillow. I closed the venetian blinds and started walking to the door, when I thought I saw Sam open her eyes. I shot a double take, but didn't see anything else. Again that sweet look fell on her face, and I couldn't help but stroke her cheek with my knuckles. How much I wanted to crawl in that bed with her, hold her in my arms and fall asleep, too. I smiled. Sam. I'm going crazy. Four years ago, if someone had come up to me and said I'd be standing here like this, I'd have laughed them away. She was so cruel, so violent and such a tomboy. But something, even then, made her somewhat attractive to me. Maybe it was the way she wasn't afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself and her friends, how she didn't take shit from anyone.

I'd liked Carly for such a long time, and was ecstatic when she agreed for that first date two months ago. I thought that was what I wanted, my high school happy ending. And yet here I stood, in my girlfriend's room, tucking her best friend in, longing to hold _her_. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. _What a far way we had come._ I lifted my hand, bringing it back to my side, and got to the door. I shot one last glance at the sleeping girl. "Goodnight, Sam," I whispered just before closing it softly.

In the living room, Carly sat upside down on the couch, scanning the TV for anything good. She had already cleaned up the paper and markers. I hadn't even noticed she's turned off the stereo while I was upstairs. I sat on the couch beside her.

"Nothing on?" I asked. She flipped over into a standing position, then sat again upright.

"Nah, haven't found anything yet. Oh wait," she said, watching the screen, "it's that show with the two stepbrothers and their evil little sister. I love this episode."

We laughed when the girl shot her brothers with paint balls from a boom box. "Happy?" the girl asked her brothers. "She reminds me of Sam," Carly said to me.

"Hah, yeah," I told her. "But she looks kind of like you, actually."

Carly looked thoughtful, watching the girl on the screen. "Hmm, I guess she kind of does. Her hair is darker than mine, though," she said. She rested her head on my shoulder and put an arm around me, turning off the TV.

"Freddie, we should talk," she said, not looking at me. "Alright," I agreed. "What's on your mind?" She sighed and seemed suddenly tired, even though it was only five PM.

"Something feels different, I'm not going to lie," she said, blandly. I was a little surprised. Carly almost never was so blunt.

"What do you mean by different?" I twisted a lock of her smooth dark hair around my finger gently.

"I don't know. It's just--last night, when we were on the phone. You seemed a little--" she paused, looking for the right word. I could picture her face, squinting and biting the side of her bottom lip, although her head was still on my shoulder.

"You seemed a little preoccupied, like your mind was on a totally different subject," she continued. _What? No, I was thinking of you, _I thought of saying. But I couldn't lie, not to her; so I sat there, silent. "What was bothering you last night?"

I sighed, figuring she would need answer. "I was just stressed and I didn't want to upset you," I told her after a while. "You sounded so happy, and I didn't want to upset you," I repeated. _Not a lie at all. A loophole. I can't hurt her, she's my best friend._

"Oh," she said after a pause. She sat up, looking at me. "But you tell me everything." _Not everything,_ I thought guiltily.

"Yeah," I agreed, dragging the word out, "but it was late and I really needed some sleep, that's all. We both did, and you know how stress eats me alive." She nodded and chuckled.

"I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't any kind of real problem," she told me. She kissed my mouth. My stomach rumbled, as if on cue. I felt awkward as she kissed me while my mind was on the girl asleep upstairs.

"You hungry?" Carly asked, standing up and heading for the kitchen. "Clearly," I told her, pointing to my stomach. She made some kind of weird hot dog creation. A casserole, I suppose. The smell wafted throughout the entire floor of the apartment and I knew Sam would come down soon; she couldn't deny food.

"Hey, dinner's just about done. Can you set the table?" she said. I nodded and got out four plates, forks, and cups. Spencer usually came home from work around this time; along with creating and selling his sculptors, he had a part time job as a secretary at a doctor's office. Not exactly his ideal occupation, but he had to help Carly pay for college somehow.

At six, Sam appeared at the landing of the stairs, yawning. "I thought smelled food," she said, sniffing deeply as she walked into the kitchen. "How'd I get upstairs, by the way?" she asked, picking at the casserole in the dish.

Carly waved her away to the table. "Freddie took you. You fell asleep on the floor down here and I told him to put you in my bed."

Sam shot me a look. I looked away. I wasn't sure what her glare was of, but it made me feel strange. She stretched. "Man, Carls, you have one soft mattress."

Carly rolled her eyes and set the casserole dish on the table, in the middle of my place setting. "Let's eat, guys." I noticed Sam wasn't wearing her jacket or shoes.

Ten minutes later Spencer came in, dumping his coat and umbrella on the floor. "Food!" he cried out. "You never fail to have a delicious meal for me to dine upon, do you, little sister?" he told Carly, walking by and plopping into the chair across from her.

Again she rolled her eyes, smiling. "I guess I'm only useful for cooking?" She was joking, but I knew she felt a little out of place.

The four of us ate our meal, laughing and joking with one another. I was glad I could keep my mind off of Sam. Spencer told us about a sick kid at the doctor's office, who kept sneezing on everything. Someone came to mind.

"That sounds like Jeremy," I said, laughing.

"Oh yeah!" Sam said. " 'Germy.' Was that damn kid ever healthy? What ever happened to him?" She piled casserole onto her fork.

"He's in my chemistry class," Carly told her, "but I think he's on some kind of new medicine that made him better. He doesn't sneeze on everything as much."

Sam made a face. "How many years did it take to figure out his disease?"

Carly faced her, her eyes glittering. "I don't know how many?"

Sam laughed again. "It wasn't a joke, I was curious."

I looked at Sam. I saw something in her. She seemed like she was having a good time, even though she never liked Jeremy very much. She caught my eye and smiled, then looked away quickly.

Who would've thought that a sneezy kid could make her happy?

**

Feel better, sleep tight. You're always the one on my mind.

Author's Note: I know, lame ending. But Freddie just wants so see Sam happy after everything she's been through.

The next chapter won't disappoint, I hope. (:

**Reviews keep this story weaving**!


	6. Love

**Chapter Six** - Love.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own iCarly. Although it would be nice to own Nathan Kress. (:

That night the two of them sat around, watching movies and talking. She couldn't manage to keep her mind off of him, which had never happened, no matter her feelings. Her friend wanted to hang out, just the both of them. She felt like they hadn't had quality time in forever, since they both had been busy with other things. They had so many things in common, but one didn't know about the biggest secret her friend had been hiding.

**

Carly.

After Freddie left at eight, Sam and I watched an old movie from the '80s, dubbed poorly in Spanish; we loved watching those things, even though we had no idea what they were saying, only figuring out the movie based on the scenes. Sam always got a kick out of their faces when they talked, their mouths not matching the words at all. I threw chips at Sam when she flipped off the character she hated.

"Ugh, they always make the blondes into whores. It makes me ashamed," she said, hiding her face in her long blonde locks. "Do you have anything for smoothies? I'm a-hankerin' for one of those puppies," she told me.

I stood up from the couch. "I don't know, let's check the kitchen," I said. "Spencer went grocery shopping the other day. He might've picked something up."

In the kitchen, we found some random fruit, stuck it in the blender, and poured in some juice. "Let's put lemonade and Peppy Cola!" Sam told me, jumping around and pointing at the blender.

I shook my head at her, saying, "Do you really think you need more sugar?"

She made a puppy face. "Please?" she asked, clasping her hands under her chin.

"No," I said firmly. Sometimes I felt like Sam's mom; I had to make sure she never strangled Freddie and that she returned anything she "borrowed" from someone.

"Yes," she disagreed, popping open a Peppy Cola. We went on like this--me saying no, her saying yes--until I finally caved. She always won.

"Yay!" she said, pouring the can into the blender's glass pitcher.

"But _only_ Peppy Cola," I ordered, "I'm drinking this too, you know, and I enjoy having teeth."

Sam giggled. "You're one of the few people around me that still do."

We sat at the couch, drinking our sugary excuses of "smoothies," finishing our movie. Of course, in the end, the skanky blonde got put in jail after she killed the lead guy for sleeping with her just to get the "secret potion," the main plot of the movie.

"Well that was a waste of my life," Sam said as the credits rolled, yawning.

I threw a piece of popcorn into her open mouth. "Score!" I said, arms in the air.

Sam swallowed the snack. "I'm bored now, Carls. Let's go upstairs," Sam said. I

agreed, and we walked up the stairs to my bedroom. She plopped down on my bed and I walked over to my PearPod dock, plugging it in. "What do you want to listen to?" I asked her, scrolling thorough my songs.

"Mmph," she mumbled, her face in a pillow. "How about something old school?"

I nodded, and found the perfect thing. Heart of Glass, by Blondie. I blasted the volume and Sam laughed, sitting up. "Oh God, this song. My mom listens to this when she jazzercises," she told me. "She says it reminds her of the 'old party days."

I loved when it was just Sam and me. She let down her "tough girl" facade and let me in. She was actually a pretty complex person, not just mean and cruel like everyone else thought. She had a great sense of humor and was always honest. Most people wondered why I put up with her for so long, and it's because she's different from everyone else, and I loved it. Never expect Sam to be predictable.

We sang along with the band, "In between what I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine. Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind. If I fear I'm losing you; it's just no good, you teasing like you do." We stood up and danced, pretending we were in a club during 1984.

Spencer came in the room, looking like he was about to say something. He instead shook his head and joined us. "Hey," he yelled to Sam over the chorus line, "you come here often?"

She and I laughed, pushing him away like disgusted party-goers. The song ended a minute later, switching to another. I lowered the volume. "What's up, Spence?" I asked, out of breath from dancing and singing.

"Neighbors...complaining...loud." He was gasping for air.

Sam looked at me. "Your damn prude neighbors. It's Saturday night! No one should be asleep right now." I looked over at the clock on my wall to check the time; still only 10:25 PM. Spencer was bent over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. He finally stood up, still panting a little. "Good lord, I'm getting too old for this partying with you children." With that he patted our heads and left the room. I chuckled.

"So Sam, now what?" I asked her.

She looked thoughtful. "I don't know. Your house, your ideas." She plopped back on the bed, foot tapping to the song playing. Suddenly she asked, "Can I look through your PearPod? There's--there's this song that's been bugging me all day."

I shrugged. "Sure, why not." It wasn't unusual for Sam to take control. I figured she'd pick something somewhat upbeat, but the what she chose was unlikely; Lonely Day, System of a Down. She normally bitched about that it being so lame and emo, but now all of a sudden she stood in front of the PearPod dock, thinking, taking in the lyrics. It seemed like she understood them.

I broke her daydream. "Sam, what's wrong?" I asked softly, standing behind her. She never got as thoughtful as this.

She looked away. "Um, nothing. Just--thinking I guess. Crazy day yesterday," she said.

Freddie's words from the night before repeated in my head. _I'm not feeling very good right now. I've kind of had a bad day. _Was there something she didn't want to say?"Sam," I said more firmly, "you're lying. I know there's something wrong."

She shook her head no. I persisted. "Sam, I've known you for more than half my life. I know something is wrong. You can tell me."

She looked at me, her eyes wet but not spilling. "There's. Nothing. Wrong," she said through clenched teeth. "I just had a bad day yesterday and I can't shake it." She looked away again.

I held her shoulders so she could face me. She bowed her head so I couldn't see her eyes. "Sam, there's something wrong, and I'm not taking this shit your telling me to heart," I told the top of her head. "I don't give a fuck if you tell me or not. I just want you to admit that there's something bothering you, alright?" She was starting to agitate me. Never before had my best friend kept something from me.

She pushed me away and faced the bookcase, lifting things and setting them back down, trying to distract herself. A picture frame, a porcilain figurine. She finally turned to me. "Why do you have to dig so much? Why do you have to care?" she asked me. Her tone was not accusative or angry, but curious, surprised someone actually cared about her.

I cleared my throat and looked straight into her blue eyes. "I care because I love you, Sam. You're my best friend and I want to make sure there's nothing keeping you from being happy."

She turned around, back to the bookcase, examining a picture of herself, Freddie, and I that Spencer took while we were shooting iCarly. "Love," she said, laughing. "What a stupid, stupid word. It's thrown around everywhere, most people don't even mean it. 'I love you, I love you,' " she mocked. Again she faced me. "Do you mean it?"

I'd never seen her so dramatic. _What a stupid, stupid word._ "Of course I mean it," I said, taking a step toward her. "Why would I lie about that?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Do you always mean it, to everyone you say it to?"

She had me there. Could she tell, did she notice? _Freddie._ "I--well, usually," I stuttered.

**

" 'She's so lucky, she's a star.' If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"

Love.

Author's Note: My favorite chapter so far. Sorry it took so longto update! I kept forgetting. q:  
Song quote from Britney Spears's "Lucky."


	7. Have Hope

**Chapter Seven** - Have Hope.

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I don't own iCarly, and I don't have nearly enough money to buy it.

She'd asked a question. The reply was finally what she wanted to hear, and it wasn't being said just to shut her up, she knew that for a fact. She didn't want to end up hurt when this storm passed on, she was tired of the rain spoiling everything great in her life. And yet, she still needed to know more. She had to be sure that there was nothing between them.

**

Sam.

So, she didn't always mean it. Carly, my best friend for years, lied. But I couldn't just know she did, I had to know to whom she did it to. _"I--well, usually."_ I had caught her in a corner, and she knew it. I was standing by her bookcase, where she had her collections of memories. I waited for her to explain, but she just stood there, looking ashamed.

"Carly," I said to her, my eyes filling again, "you don't, do you? There is no gray area. You either always mean it or never mean it." My voice had grown quieter, and I was strangely hopeful.

She took in a deep shaky breath and closed her eyes. "Let's just sit and--try to be normal people," she said.

I agreed, but couldn't stop watching her as we both sat on her bed. "Who do you lie to?" I demanded.

She stared at me, and her eyes were brimming as well. "You can't tell him, you can't. I don't want to hurt him," she said desperately. "You can't, you just can't."

I blinked, trying to keep my tears from falling. It didn't work. "Wh--who?" I was stuttering.

She turned away. "Carly! Who can't I tell?" She had been persistant with me earlier, now it was my turn.

"Freddie," she said, he voice barely above a whisper. Fat drops fell from her eyes and dropped on her bedspread. Wind howled outside the window.

I stood up and closed the bedroom door so we could talk without Spencer hearing, though he had probably fallen asleep.

"You don't love Freddie?" I asked her when I sat back down.

She shook her head and sniffled. "I do, but not in the way he thinks. Just--" she looked up at me, "just as a friend. Maybe a little more, but not real love."

So many questions swarmed my head. _Did you date him out of pity? Don't you know there is someone that would kill to have him? Isn't love too strong a word to waste? _I felt like accusing her, of telling her how much _I_ really loved him. But of course I couldn't; she was vulnerable right now. I hugged her as she sobbed. "Carly," I told her, rain falling from both of our eyes, "You have to tell him. He needs to know. This isn't something you can pretend."

Her cries were muffled while I had my arms around her. "I know, but I'm scared. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to break up or anything," she said, hiccuping. "He's my best friend and I don't want him to hate me."

I felt guilty. I loved Freddie, but I didn't think that it would be this hard. Wasn't this what I wanted? My best friends to break up? Now that it was happening I wasn't so sure. I wasn't so sure of anything anymore, except that Freddie needed to know. For the third time in two days, my brain shut down and my emotions took over. "I can tell him," I said suddenly. Memories flooded back; five months ago, Freddie and I on the fire escape. "I always want people to tell me truth, even if it hurts," he'd told me, "because in the end the lies hurt more." He'd made me pinky promise like first graders that we'd be honest with each other.

"I don't want him to get angry at you and yell," I told Carly. Carly pulled away from my arms, facing me.

"I don't know. I mean, what if you say something wrong? You guys are always fighting and everything."

I felt hurt. "You can't trust me?" I said, shocked.

She just looked out the window at the rain beating down in the darkness, then sighed. "If you do, do you promise to be nice? Don't tell him 'I told you so' or anything. Tell him I really do want to stay friends," a lone, fresh tear fell from her eye.

I managed to smile. "Don't worry your pretty little head, doll. I've got this under control." I tried to seem confident, though I felt her pain as much as she did.

She nodded and I hugged her. "I'll go now," I said, looking at the clock. 11:15. "But I'll call him first to make sure he's home." I stepped into the hallway and left Carly alone with her thoughts.

I dialed his cell number and listened to the ring back tone, Call Back When I'm Honest by The Almost. Such an ironic song. _Here's a message for your phone. I wanted you to know this is getting out of hand... _"Hello?" Freddie said. "Hi Fred, it's Sam. We need to talk. Is there anywhere we could meet?"

**

Blinding pain. It makes us all stronger, the problems we're forced to face daily. But you'll always have someone to turn to, and you'll always have hope.

Author's Note: Short, I know. But still. I love writing this, hehe.

**I crave a review, darlings. :D**


	8. Holding Back

**Chapter Eight **- Holding Back.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part at all of iCarly.

He didn't know, but he suspected. Yet when he got the call, he still didn't know what to expect. He sat out on the fire escape wrapped in a coat and blanket, under an umbrella, waiting for her to explain. She'd only said they'd needed to talk, but what confused him was what it was about. So he sat under the cloudy, pouring skies, and drowned in his thoughts.

**

Freddie.

Sam appeared in the window leading out to the fire escape. I nodded for her to come in, but I still didn't have a complete idea as to why she needed to be here. Of course, that didn't mean I didn't want her here. She stepped through the window and stood by me under the large golf umbrella I had. I wrapped my blanket around her to keep us both warm. We stood like that in silence, watching the rain blur the skyline of downtown Seattle, until she spoke. "Carly told me something," she said and I stayed silent.

"She wanted to tell you herself, but it was hard for her." I knew it was coming. _But you tell me everything._ Well apparently, Carly didn't. I still said nothing.

"Freddie, are you spacing out?" _"Fred, look at me. I'm really being serious right now." _

I shook my head. "No, I'm listening. I promise," I said, turning to face her. Her eyes peeked out from under her blonde bangs and looked intensely solemn. Her cheeks were streaked with tears.

"Sorry--I had to make sure. You weren't saying anything." She hooked her arm through mine and pulled me to sit on the window's wide sill. "You need to sit," she ordered. Again we sat in silence as she gathered her thoughts. A silence that made me feel stricken with an uncomfortable knot in the pit of my stomach.

A sigh. "Freddie, this is hard for _me_ to tell you. But Carly, she doesn't--she doesn't--"

I interrupted her. I knew it, I was dreading it. I could read Sam like a book. "She doesn't really love me, does she?"

Sam nodded and whispered, "I'm sorry, Freddie."

Now I sighed as I felt something stab my heart. "I knew there were no such things as fairytales." A tear escaped from me. Then another. And another. Soon I felt a storm pouring from my eyes, and she pulled me close and I let myself cry. I let it all out. I screamed and cursed at my broken heart. "Damn it! How the hell could I let this happen? It's my fault! I pushed her into something she wasn't ready for! I'm so fucking stupid!" I didn't care that it was late at night or that my mother would hear me, I didn't care who would hear me. I needed to cry. I'd been holding back for too long.

Sam held me as I sobbed, telling me it'll be alright. "I know it hurts, but it's okay Freddie, you'll be okay," she repeated over and over. I was glad Carly hadn't been the one to tell me; I probably would've exploded in her face.

Slowly my tears ceased and I freed myself from Sam's arms told looked at her. She stared into my eyes and wiped my wet cheeks, smiling. "Why are you so happy?" I demanded.

She just sat there, smiling. "You opened up," she told me. "You finally opened up. I never knew you could do that. You always try to seem so manly, like you've never shed a tear in your life or been hurt."

I sighed again. "Yeah, well, you know what heartbreak is like."

She nodded solemnly. "I--I definitely do. And you of course know that."

All during our conversation, our eyes stayed locked. I felt an immense comfort having Sam with me. She was right; I'd always tried to seem stronger than I really was. When my father left my mother and me when I was only five, I'd tried to stay strong for my mom, even though I was so small. I didn't want to worry her at all, and I had to be the "man of the house." Of course, that's the reason she hadn't let me grow up. She looked at me as her little boy up until I turned sixteen, when I sat her down and explained I could take care of myself now, I was old enough. She cried while I talked to her. "I don't see my little boy anymore, Freddie. Now I see a man, ready to take on the world," she'd said to me. That was all I needed to hear; those words gave me confidence, although she still sometimes relapsed and tried to check me for ticks every so often. My mom and Sam where the only two women I'd really cried around.

Suddenly I took Sam in my arms. "Thank you," I said.

"For what?" She sounded confused.

"For being there for me," I told her. I felt her hug me back.

"You were always there for me. The least I could do was return the favor," she said into my shoulder. In that embrace, I felt confusion flee from me. I knew now what I wanted, and it was Sam. She was all I'd really wanted as a person. I let out of the hug, but still held her waist. I saw in her eyes that she knew what was coming.

Our lips met and fit together like a puzzle. I'd never felt something so right. She tried to pull away, but I couldn't let her. I couldn't let something so perfect escape from me. I heard nothing but the light rain fall on the ledge of the fire escape, and finally felt nothing but peace. _I kissed you in the water, and made your dry lips sing._

I let her go. She smiled at me and laughed. "You've still got it."

"Got what?" I asked, matching her smile.

She stood to leave. "Guts."

x

So there it was. Sam and I had even more of a possibility of being...something. Something more than we already were. Of course I was hurt that Carly, the girl who'd I'd had a crush on for the past six years lied to me; but I now, I guess I was lying to her too. I claimed love, but it was barely anything more. I always tried to feel that spark felt that night three years ago when I kissed Sam whenever I kissed Carly, but it was just never there.

This was my life two months ago; a movie set in the big city with the girl of my dreams, college ready and waiting, a real coming of age story. _I see a man, ready to take on the world. _Then suddenly my real feelings were discovered, and I started falling for her best friend. A series of twists and turns in the plot, and now here I am -- beaten and broken hearted, but I've never felt happier. Are there such things as happy endings? I doubt it. But for me, this is as close to perfection as I could ever hope for.

**

Scream, shout, let everything out. Holding back just destroys us all.

-----

Author's Note: A very special thank you to my brand new beta, **The Magical Time Traveling Elf.** Applause.  
The quote "I kissed you in the water and made your dry lips sing," is from The Cure's "The Walk."  
Reviews, por favor. (:


	9. Day and Night

**Chapter Nine** - Day and Night.

DISCLAIMER: iCarly's not mine, so get over it. Ju-heez.

She didn't want to seem as if she was lying, but the way she is percieved cannot be controlled. Her emotions were running around in her head, her heart beating irregularly. She wanted to remember.

**

Carly.

I lay in my bed while Sam went to talk to Freddie. I listened for anything over my softly playing music, but all I could here was the rain, the wind. Then I heard him. "It's my fault!" he screamed, tears choking him. "I pushed her into something she wasn't ready for!" Again I cried. I cried for him, for his heartbreak. I cried for myself, for what I was doing to us. I stood and turned on a different song, one more upbeat. Take On Me, A-Ha. I remembered everything we'd ever done together.

Sure, we weren't going out for years, but we had been friends since we were seven and I moved to Bushwell Plaza from across town. He'd said hello to me while I helped Spencer carry some boxes into the apartment. He introduced himself, and, immediately after, his mom rushed him back inside, muttering something about "scary new people." I was glad to see a familiar face when I started school at Beaumont Elementary the following week; I was put in the same class as he was. Together we ate lunch everyday, until one day in third grade, when he stayed home with a 98.9 degree fever--"Just a precaution!" he'd told me later was what his mom said--and I met Sam, who tried to steal my tuna sandwich. When Freddie came back, there was Sam. She tried to protect me like a bodyguard and beat up Freddie when she saw him coming near our table. They began hating each other from that day forth.

When we were ten, Freddie admitted to being in love with me, and Sam never let him hear the end of it. I kept her from killing him everyday, and he didn't make it very easy for me to do so, since he was always bringing it up. We started iCarly when we were thirteen; Sam and I hosted, and Freddie handled all they techie stuff, since he was going through this phase where he was married to his computer, another thing for Sam to make fun of him for.

Freddie and I stayed best friends throughout fights, break ups, and horrible days, and now, I can't see him leaving with all my memories.

In just one day, I might've completely fucked up my life.

Sam came in ten minutes after I heard Freddie crying. She sat at the edge of my bed. "Hey, kiddo," she said. "Hey," I mumbled. "Is he okay?" She nodded and leaned over to pat my hand. "He'll be just fine. Just needs some alone time." I smiled. Sam had seem different these days when she talked about Freddie; a few years ago, I would've expected her to say something like, "Yeah, he'll be fine. I guess he needs to cry some more like a baby. Ugh, he got snot all over my shirt." But now she understood him, why both he and I were so upset about it. She'd gone through a lot on her own in the past year, and it's amazing what a different person she'd turned into.

"Sam," I said. "Thanks." She grinned. "What are friends for? I can always take care of your dirty work." I sighed. "I just didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want anything to change." Sam sat beside me. "I know, but--something was bound to happen. You can't date your best guy friend without something changing in your friendship." I nodded. "Yeah, I know. I couldn't avoid it, could I?" She shook her head and stood up, picking up the iCarly picture she was looking at earlier. She brought it to me. "See this?" she asked. "Of course I see it." I'd seen that pictures hundreds of times. Freddie behind the iCarly camera, Sam and I dancing randomly. It was at least two years old.

"This is the picture of a perfect memory," she told me. "Look at us. This is the picture you're going to show to your grandkids. You'll tell them, 'See? This was what I did when I was your age. I made a webshow with my best friends.' Then they'll probably say something like, 'Webshows! I read about them in my history book!' " I smiled, remembering that day. We had made another attempt at breaking the world record for longest webcast. That time, we succeeded; getting our faces in the book with the fat priest Sam still loved.

"What I'm saying is that you can't change your memories. You'll have great ones, like this," she said, gesturing to the framed photo, "and you'll have painful ones, like this right now. But don't worry, Carls. You'll just be stronger in the end." I was awed. In all my nine years of knowing Samantha Puckett, I'd never seen her so..._kind._ She was practically being motherly, and she connected with me. I looked at her, and saw someone new; I didn't see her anymore as my friend. I saw her as a sister.

I started crying again. She stopped smiling and put her arms around me again for comfort. "It's okay, Carly. I promise, by tomorrow, everything will be okay," she told me. "I'll whop Freddie if he tries to do anything to you." I laughed and looked up, wiping my cheeks. "I'm sorry you had to do this. I didn't want to drag you in." She grinned again, reassuringly. "It's okay, really. I don't mind. I guess I had to do something nice in return," she said. I knew I must've looked confused, so she explained, still smiling. "For staying at your house all the time and eating all your food." I chuckled and glanced at the clock. Near midnight. I yawned; I guess I didn't realize how tired I really was. Sam stood, stretching. "You want to sleep already?" she asked. I nodded. She went to my closet to pull out a sleeping bag, so she could sleep on the floor. She had been doing this same thing since we were little. Back then, I offered to share my bed with her; that way we could share secrets and stay warm when Spencer forgot to pay the heating bill. But she said it didn't make her feel very comfortable, that sharing a bed seemed like bad manners. I'd just shrugged and pointed to the sleeping bag.

Now she dragged the bag out beside my bed, unzipping it and crawling in, despite the fact that she was still wet from the rain; she and Freddie must've been talking outdoors. I sighed, standing from my bed--difficult since Sam was right there--and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out an old shirt and pajama pants, throwing them at Sam lying in the sleeping bag. That was her way of saying she needed PJs. She never was one to ask for anything; didn't want to burden anyone, I guess. Sam was incredibly independent, and sometimes I wished my skin was as thick as hers. I headed to the bathroom to wash my face and to let Sam change in my bedroom.

Standing before my bathroom sink I heard her singing. _I don't know why, I don't know why I fight for you this way._ Ironically enough, I could hear a slight smile in her voice.

**

Hush your tears and forget what will never happen between the day and night

Author's Note: Another thank you to my beta, **The Magical Time Traveling Elf.** Sorry this took so long to upload; I didn't have Internet for a couple of days.

Song = Lemon Meringue Tie by Dance Gavin Dance. I love them, they're amay-za-zing.

Next chapter is the last! Sob. ):


	10. Smile, My Dear

**Chapter Ten **- Smile, My Dear.

Of course this wasn't the end. This will be never ending. But there were still loose ends she had to tie up, and the only one that knew the proper knots to do so was her friend, the one that frayed the ends in the first place.

**

Sam.

I woke up with last night buzzing in my ears and my eyes puffy. See, this is why I try--in vain--to not cry. It not only makes me feel like I'm hopeless, but I always fall asleep after I cry and wake up with droopy eyelids. It's hard to see and feels funny when I blink. _I'm sure Carly and Freddie both look the same_. I sat up and looked at Carly in her bed. She was sleeping on her side, facing me, with her head resting on her outstretched arm. I guess I was going to have to wait until she woke up to figure any of this out.

I skipped down the stairs to find something to eat. I didn't find much in the fridge except for some bologna and carrots, but the cabinets had some Kits crackers and Tucker's strawberry jelly. I could handle some tiny jelly cracker sandwiches. I made up my breakfast, using up almost all of the brand new box of crackers and sat on the couch.

There wasn't anything good on TV, aside from _Boogey Bear Takes Manhatten,_ but I'd seen that movie thirteen times already and knew basically every line. I scarfed down the crackers and was on my way to the fridge to get milk when Carly came downstairs. I was right, she had weird eyelids too. She waved at me while I drank the milk--from a cup--and I waved back. She still looked drowsy and threw herself on the couch. I sat on a chair nearby and tossed my legs over one of the arms to face her. Boogey Bear was still on TV, now trying to figure out how he got stuck at the top of the Statue of Liberty. Carly sighed and sat up.

"You lied" was all she said.

I asked her to elaborate. Yeah, I knew words.

"You said it'd all be better by today," she explained. "But I don't feel very much better. I feel bloated."

My stomach sank_. Perfect time to bring it up, Sam._

"Yeah, uh, Carly, there's kind of something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

I debated whether or not to leave the television on, but decided to leave it on to have the comfort of Boogey Bear's voice.

Carly looked at me expectantly. "Yeah?"

I took a breath and sat by her on the couch. "It's about Freddie."

She still just looked at me with her puffy eyes. "You didn't--you didn't_ kill _him, did you?"

I chuckled lightly and shook my head. "No, I couldn't kill him no matter how badly I wanted to. I couldn't even hurt him."

I really wanted to just come out with it; _I love Freddie; he loves me. He told me. He kissed me last night... _Yet I was struggling. I wasn't sure how to word it or how to approach the subject head on. I was taking side streets to get there.

Carly just nodded slowly, and I continued. "I--I lrfmim," I mumbled into my palm, and I could feel my face catch on fire. I felt stupid that I had even brought it up. I could've said, "Life's hurt him enough," or something, and left it at that, but I couldn't.

I looked into her eyes, and I saw something. Knowledge? "You what? I can't hear you, Sam."

I sat on my hands and closed my eyes. "IloveFreddieandhelovesmehetoldmesoandwekissedlastnight," I said as fast as I could. I forced myself to stay on the living room couch and not run to the bathroom to throw up my nerves. It's a lot more difficult to tell your best friend that you're in love with the boy she just broke up with than you think.

My eyes were still closed. Carly didn't say anything, and I assumed she was figuring out the one big word I had just let out. Then, "You do? He does? You did?!"

I didn't know if she was shocked I had kept this from her or angry that I was telling her or what--these past few days were all stupid and fucked up. _Welcome to my life. _

I managed to open my eyes and stare at Boogey Bear. "Yeah, kind of," I said, answering her first question. "I guess so," was the reply to the second, and "Yes," was what I said to the last one. I winced as she came toward me. I knew I could take her if she tried anything funny, but I didn't want to by any means. I felt instead the warmth of two arms around me. I believe this is called a "hug." I didn't return the hug, just sat there stiffly since I didn't know what was going on.

"I knew it," she told me. "I knew it." She let go and looked at my confused expression.

"You what now?" I asked.

"I knew you at least liked Freddie. You're the reason I couldn't really fall for him."

I still just sat there like an idiot. Maybe I didn't screw up as horribly as I thought. Maybe this was a good thing.

"Wait, aren't you mad?"

Carly furrowed her brows. "Should I be? I mean, I don't want to be, bu--"

I interrupted her. "No, it's just--I don't know. This is really confusing for me, and you being accepting is just throwing a monkey wrench into the blender."

"You mean into the mix."

"Same difference."

Carly shook her head and looked at me, squinting; like she was trying to read me. I sat quietly and stared at my hands, freed from underneath my thighs. I thought of some reason to leave. "When did you tell him?" she asked me.

I cleared my throat. I, Sam Puckett the Invinsible, was afraid, nervous. Damn it.

One word squeaked out: "Friday."

She nodded. "So is that why you were running?"

I frowned. I guess she must've seen me that night--well, obviously. I sighed. "Yes, that was why I ran. It was an accident, I swear, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to talk to him, but then my stupid brain stopped working and my mouth blurted it out and his face was all twisted, so--s-so I ran. I didn't know what else to do!" I cried.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she inquired.

I looked at her. "What was I supposed to say? 'Oh, hey Carly. I thought I'd drop by to tell you I'm in love with Freddie. Can I spend the night?' "

Carly stood up from the couch. "Alright, alright. I get it. Don't get so worked up." She went over to the kitchen and pulled frozen waffles from the freezer, sticking them in the toaster sitting on the counter. The credits rolled on the TV.

"So..." she said casually, watching the waffles, "are you guys gonna date or anything?"

What the fuck? This was not the Carly Shay I knew. The Carly Shay I knew would've stared crying and yelling that I betrayed her. I went over by her in the kitchen, just in case she did start crying.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "I think it's a little to early after your break up, and I don't think it's really up to me." _Sam, you always make things so complicated. _I couldn't help but remember what he had said to me.

She nodded to me and tossed her cooked waffles on a plate. The front door opened and Freddie came in, sat on a stool in the kitchen.

"Morning," he said. "You guys making breakfast?"

Carly smiled. "Sure, want some?"

He nodded and she put more waffles into the toaster. "I know everything," Carly said, as calmly as if she had just stated it was raining outside.

Freddie's ears turned bright red and he stared at the countertop. "And it's okay," she finished. "As long as neither of you kill each other."

He looked up at me, shocked, I suppose. "I already talked to her," I reassured him. The waffles popped up.

Carly's face brightened suddenly and mischieviously. " 'So say, what are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her,' " she sang. I knew that song. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me," by Fall Out Boy.

I blushed and looked at Carly nervously. _She _had brought it up, she knew that we both were unsure about this. " 'I don't blame you for being you,' " she said, another part of the song, still smiling. This was too weird.

Freddie walked over to me, towering. I stared into his eyes. " 'She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?" ' " he told me, taking my face in his hands and meeting our lips.

Electricity sparked through my entire body and the song played in my head.

All of a sudden, I heard, "Awww!"

Freddie and I pulled apart, laughing at Spencer. He stood in the living room, watching us with a sweet little puppy dog face on, Carly by his side. She made some kind of motion to Freddie, and he nodded.

"Sam," he told me, and I looked up at him. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

I had to be dreaming; nothing in my life had ended up in my favor. But then again, there's a first for everything.

"Yes."

**

Things never end up like you thought they would. Smile, my dear, and you can finally spread your wings. Smile, my darling, and you can finally breathe.

THE END.

-----

Author's Note: That's it. Thanks to my beta, The Magical Time Traveling Elf; to you, for the reviews; and to everyone who bothered to read this little fic. (:  
Another Seddie, "Snow" will be up soon.  
See you then?


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